DR. ZIGGY, SWINGING | DR. ZIGGY | FEBRUARY 24, 2011 12:01 AM
“My wife wants to drop out of swinging and instead have an open relationship…” announced a good friend of mine over a glass of Chardonnay when we met at the bar.
He had asked to meet with me to discuss a matter of “great importance,” as he put it in our brief phone conversation. “So, what is going on?” I asked. I had known both him and his wife socially for a few years now albeit we had never taken our friendship into the sexual realm.
“I’m not sure, it all started about six months ago when we came back from spending a week at one of the Caribbean resorts. I noticed that during our vacation at the resort she didn’t seem interested in following up on the contacts we made, a couple of times she told me to go ‘play’ by myself, which, as you know, the chances of that happening are close to zero…and after we came back she didn’t seem interested in going to parties or meeting other couples…she said that maybe we could have an open marriage, see other people on our own…not sure what’s going on…would you mind speaking with her? Maybe you can find out what’s going on with her…she trusts you and respects your knowledge in these matters… she may tell you”.
I agreed. I liked his wife, she was a pretty and attractive brunette, about 5 foot 2”, late forties, with a beautiful, spontaneous smile, I would say she was somewhat shy but willing to engage in pleasant conversation if one was to make the first move. I called her and told her that her husband had suggested we meet, that he was concerned about the “open marriage” deal….she agreed to meet with me so that we could chat.
We met at quiet pub where I knew we could carry on a conversation without being interrupted.
“So, what’s going on? Bill tells me that you lost interest in swinging but want to see other people separately?”
“Ah, is that what he told you?”
“Yes, indeed,” I replied watching the look of amusement that all of a sudden came over her face.
“It isn’t quite that simple, you see, it isn’t that I have a problem with swinging per se, Bill always got something out of it, and so did I at times….but very few times…”
I knew that they had been swinging for the last five years or so, actually I had met them early in their swinging lifestyle and they always seemed to enjoy their swinging activities so I wondered why this sudden change of heart.
“Let me tell you what swinging means to me as a woman,” she said. “I like to dress sexy, even slutty, I like the feeling that I’m attractive and desired…I enjoy the attention I get, the flirting, the dancing, the seduction….oh yes, I need to be seduced, I need to have that emotional connection that comes from being seduced and seducing the other person, feeling that there is more to the interaction than just plain sex….
“That somehow the connection is deeper even if it’s just a temporal thing…”
“So, you want to feel desired and be seduced, how about the sex?”
With a smile she replied “You’re so ‘male’ in your attitude….it isn’t just all about the sex.” The look of puzzlement must have made look somewhat silly because she grabbed my arm and squeezed it gently.
“Let me tell you how it goes for me. Sex is very important, but especially good, passionate sex. Bill and I have a good sex life but sometimes the passion is missing for varied reasons; time, kids, work, stress…albeit our sex life is anchored in a deep love for each other sometimes it becomes somewhat mechanical. At the beginning, swinging was a diversion from the ‘same old, same old’ of our everyday lives, a chance to meet new and exciting people. I had expectations that through swinging I would find partners that would put back the passion so important to sex for me. I was quite sure that I could bring back my passionate experiences back to my sexual relationship with Bill. Right from the beginning I was looking for the ‘quality’ of the passionate encounters, and not the quantity. Perhaps I was trying to recreate the feeling I had in high school when I went out on a date for the first time…it was all about the process of the date, sex may happen but it wasn’t guaranteed, although I’m sure the guys all expected…”
At this point she giggled and covered her mouth with her hand as thought trying to conceal the secret she just let out.
“What I found in swinging was quite different from what I expected. Since I’m not Bi I don’t look at swinging as an opportunity to have sex with other women: I like men….also, when we first started to go to ‘socials,’ I enjoyed the dancing, the flirting, what I call the seduction game…but it soon became apparent to me that not that many men are into the ‘seduction’ process, rather, they’re more concern with the fuck…often men would chit-chat and quickly they would start to touch in a intimate way, grabbing for the prize as it were without bothering with much else…I often would go along only because Bill was much into their wives or partners…but my sexual experience was, for the most part…ummmm… uninteresting and not exciting. I guess the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ was an experience I had at the resort we visited recently. On the day we arrived, and after unpacking, we joined a group of people in the hot-tub by the pool; I went into the water and no sooner did I put my head back attempted to relax from the long trip, when I felt a hand come up my thigh and cup my pussy….when I opened my eyes there was this gentleman smiling at me while his fingers had found their way into my pussy…and he said ‘Hi, I’m Bob…and you’re a very hot woman…’ I pushed my body away and smiled politely and told him I was rather tired and only interested in relaxing for now, but he was insistent, suggesting that we should retire to his room where he could massage my back and really help me relax. I told him I wasn’t interested and retired to our room. Now, you know you’ll say that not all men are that aggressive, that this may have been an exception more than the rule, but I would disagree with you. Most of the men I have met through swinging aren’t interested in the seduction, as though they don’t want to “work” for the sex but expect it as a matter of course. Many men just sit and watch the women play and join in at the end of the ‘female games.’ Others sit around and do nothing until the action starts and they join in…and though you are now expected to ‘perform’ as they ‘perform’….Finally, I’m fed up with the whole swinging thing…I would still like to enjoy a sexual encounter with a man f my choosing that doesn’t take me or the situation for granted, that is willing to dine me, take me dancing, seduce me, someone I can have passionate sex with…and then go home to Bill and tell him all about…do you think I’m crazy?”
“Nope, I think you have a very valid point with respect to the lacking of ‘seduction’ in the protocol of many men in the swinging lifestyle….maybe we do expect the ‘fuck,’ after all that is why everyone is into swinging, isn’t it? We meet, we greet, we fuck…..best way to prevent the emotional connection and the possibility of hurt feelings….or worse, the budding of a ‘relationship…’”
“So, it’s the fear of the emotional connection that prevents men from becoming the seducers? That’s a poor excuse if you ask me…or do men think that seduction will lead to ‘love?’ Ridiculous….to me seduction is about the lust, and I always thought that swinging was about lust….”
“Maybe, swingers are becoming complacent….I know I have witnessed situations very much like the ones you have described….almost as if the lust is forced or expected…” I replied. “But understanding that swingers aren’t an homogenous group and that swinging can take many forms, perhaps you have just been hanging out with the ‘wrong’ crowds…”.
“Really” she retorted, “How about when you meet another couple on a first date? Do you know how much pressure is on the woman to carry through from the meet to the sex? Yes, at times there’s instant chemistry, but that is the exception more than the rule…and what if your partner and the other person’s partner hit it off and you don’t? The want…? There are always the excuses and the quick exits but why go through all of that? Nah! I’m fed up…”
“Well, let me know what you guys decided and how you propose to go about your open marriage. I think there could be more pitfalls in that type of scenario but….it’s your life, your decision. I’m always available for a chat if you need to…”
Now, it has been months since my conversation with Bill and his wife. Not sure how they’re doing, but at least I heard no news, which perhaps means there are no bad news. I see Bill three to four times a week at the health club, we chat, joke, but he hasn’t brought up the subject.
Meanwhile I have spoken with several women in the lifestyle about this issue since I was curious if there were other women that felt that there was a lack of “seduction” in swinging. Unfortunately, I have to say that I heard the same story several times from most of the women I spoke with.
I have just now started to research women’s expectations of swinging and I would welcome your commentary, suggestions, stories, and questions.
Are we, men, really missing the boat when it comes to women, swinging, and seduction?
| About Dr. Ziggy: DrZiggy, Social Scientist, Sexologist, Professor of Psychology, Author, and Sex Researcher "extraordinaire" of the Swinging Lifestyle. Web at http://drziggy.com |
The Swinging Paradigm: Are all of the swingers freaky, deviant predators?
“So, you hang out with swingers, so what are they like?”
A friend that was familiar with my research on swinging asked me that question not long ago.
“What are “they” like? What do you mean, “they”?” I retorted…
“Well, aren’t “they” weird? I bet “they” have orgies all the time and can’t get enough of screwing each other…”
My friend’s perception of swinging and swingers isn’t much different from that of other non-swingers I have met throughout the years. The idea that swinging is a never-ending orgy of sweaty bodies oozing bodily fluids is alive and well in our society. Moreover, the idea that swinging is part of a deviant, liberal plot devised to corrupt the morals of the country and bring civilization to perdition is alive and well and far too often endorsed by the popular media. I have heard people equate swingers with “those weirdoes that are featured on the Springer show”. Last year, in The Dr. Phil Show, swingers were portrayed as individuals whose relationships were in shambles and had resorted to “cheating” (or swinging) as a last attempt to save a moribund marriage. Of course, the good Dr. had a therapeutic fool-proof solution: to put a stop to this deviant behavior and save the sanctity of the marriage bed it was necessary for these misguided people to put a complete stop to this dysfunctional behavior…I was initially invited to participate in that show but politely declined, for obvious reasons…
In any case, lets get back to my friend’s initial query. “Who are swingers and what are they like?”. Individuals and organizations in popular culture and scientific communities have attempted to answer that question, both with a particular bias that shapes their evaluation. Swinger-friendly reports tend to show swinging in the best light possible, popular media shows the vagaries and pitfalls of swinging while the scientific/research community, which has little contact with the swinging community, really doesn’t have a clue either way.
So, let me answer the question based on in depth, scientific research I have conducted on the Lifestyle in the last several years.
Firstly, swingers are just like anyone else. They are like you and me, our friends, our neighbors and co-workers, team mates or club friends, some are doctors, others cars mechanics, cops, nurses, physicians, librarians, politicians, accountants (yes, even those…), clergy and devout religious people, hairdressers and military; in a nutshell, swingers are not a special breed of individuals that display a membership mark that identifies them to others as “different”. Oh yes, there’s something that distinguishes swingers from everyone else in our society and that something is an open attitude towards relationship commitment and sexuality in general.
The following is a snap shot of “who” and “what” of swingers. From my experience it seems to be in line with most swingers I have met in the last twenty years. OK, here we go!
The demographic profile of the swingers suggests that they white for the most part, between 36 and 55 years of age, mostly college educated, married for at least 11 to 20 years, and with an average household income between $40,000 and $200,000. Many professions and occupations were represented from blue-collar and white-collar workers to individuals with advanced professional degrees. Some were self-employed; others worked in public organizations such as health facilities and educational institutions. The demographic findings of this study parallel, for the most part, those of previous studies.
The men in my two studies were, for the most, heterosexual, although about 20 percent did consider themselves bisexual. I know that this will come a shock to you, the reader, but there are bisexual males among the swinging masses. The majority of the women considered themselves bi-curious, with a small minority fancying themselves a pure bisexual. As we all know, for the most part female bisexuality is accepted within the swinging lifestyle; however, male bisexuality is discouraged and not welcomed. I suggest that perhaps one of the reasons why women are attracted to swinging is the opportunity to express their bisexuality in a safe and accepting environment.
Most of the swingers in my sample were married or cohabiting, the great majority had been in a relationship for well over ten years, and for most this was their first marriage. A small number had been married more than once and there were no apparent differences between men and women in the length of and frequency of marriage. Most had been swinging anywhere between three years and 12 years, which suggests that swinging, overall, adds to the longevity of the marital relationship.
Since swingers are often characterized as having a more permissive attitude towards sexuality, a characteristic often associated with individuals who hold liberal social views, one would expect the swingers would be more "liberal" in their social and political affiliations. But now, hold on….my data suggests swingers’ political views that run the gamut of the political spectrum. It seems that swingers are not a politically homogenous group. Rather, swingers hold disparate political ideology, from social conservatism to liberalism and socialism with a certain percentage holding no political views at all. However, interesting to note that of all political categories Republicans held the majority! Remember that when you watch your favorite republican politician go on and on about “family values”. Who knows, he/she could be a fellow swinger.
Perhaps my findings are counter-intuitive since Conservative individuals espouse strict sexual morality and monogamy, which contrasts the non- monogamous sexual behavior of swingers.
Now, I was also interested in finding out just how religious the swingers in my study professed to be. Well, the swingers in my studies reported being somewhat religious, about a quarter of the respondents claiming to have no religious affiliation at all. It appears that swingers' religious affiliation do not interfere with their willingness to engage in the swinging lifestyle. Religiosity may not be associated with monogamy when it comes to this lot!.
Following my friend’s interest about swingers, I decided to find out where “they” lived. For the most part swingers live in urban and metropolitan communities with populations between 500,000 and 1,000,000 people. But swingers are no longer restricted to urban communities, it seems that they have migrated to suburbia and even rural communities as well. About one-fourth of the respondents reported living either in a rural setting or in a community with less then 50,000 people.
It seems that since swingers have become part of mainstream society and are indistinguishable from other individuals in the general population they could be your next door neighbors or a co-worker.
The Swinging Experience
In my studies I also explored how swingers felt towards their swinging activities, and what made them decide to take this step into the realm of “deviant” society. As I mention before herein, it had been suggested that swingers were mostly middle-aged men that subjugated their apathetic wives into the fiendish world of sexual “sick” fantasies and depravity.
Thus, I was interested in finding out, from a research perspective, what prompted an individual couples to enter the swinging lifestyle. In addition, what happens once an individual/couple starts swinging? Well, it seems that the vast majority of the people in my studies reported entering into the swinging lifestyle at the suggestion of the couple's male partner (those horny husbands…). About two-thirds of the men reported having suggested swinging to their female partner. Less than one-forth of the women admitted to having done so. Knowing the rationale for an individual's involvement in the swinging lifestyle contributes to an overall understanding of the swinging experience. Also, the most cited reason given by both men and women for continuing with their swinging lifestyle was firstly pure sexual variety, sexual enjoyment and personal fantasy. Regarding common swinging sexual activities, most individuals reported engaging in partner swapping and group sex activities. However, a small number of the respondents reported never swapping partners. There are always voyeurs in the crowd, I guess.
Other sexual activities involved woman-on-woman sex, but the most reported sexual activity in both studies was….are you ready?....sure you are?...ready…? Man-woman-Man threesomes. I guess the ladies do get all the attention.
The majority of the people that participated in my studies reported enjoying their swinging experience. There was no difference between the levels of swinging satisfaction of men and women.
By the way, my in my studies I also found that for the most part swingers are very happy in their marriages and find their marriage partners able to satisfy them sexually…
Conclusion
Let me finished by suggesting that all of the information contained in both my studies was plenty enough to answer my friend’s questions. No, I didn’t make him sit as read from this treatise, I just told him the gist of it.
Although there is still a strong societal disapproval of swinging and a belief that swingers have unsatisfactory marriages and are unhappy with their primary relationships, there is no evidence to support such a claim. My research suggests that perhaps we are witnessing a new social paradigm regarding the dynamics of marriage and consensual extra-marital sex. It is possible that swinging is bringing about a re-definition of marriage and a change in the traditional expectation of marital monogamy. Future research on this topic is warranted and necessary to understand the changing dynamics of marital relationships.
Women, Swinging, and Seduction?
“ My wife wants to drop out of swinging and instead have an open relationship…”, announced a good friend of mine over a glass of Chardonnay when we met at the bar.
He had asked to meet with me to discuss a matter of “great importance”, as he put it in our brief phone conversation. “So, what is going on?” I asked. I had known both him and his wife socially for a few years now albeit we had never taken our friendship into the sexual realm.
“ I’m not sure, it all started about six months ago when we came back from spending a week at one of the Caribbean resorts. I noticed that during our vacation at the resort she didn’t seem interested in following up on the contacts we made, a couple of times she told me to go “play” by myself, which, as you know, the chances of that happening are close to zero…and after we came back she didn’t seem interested in going to parties or meeting other couples…she said that maybe we could have an open marriage, see other people on our own…not sure what’s going on…would you mind speaking with her? Maybe you can find out what’s going on with her…she trusts you and respects your knowledge in these matters... she may tell you”.
I agreed. I liked his wife, she was a pretty and attractive brunette, about 5 foot 2”, late forties, with a beautiful, spontaneous smile, I would say she was somewhat shy but willing to engage in pleasant conversation if one was to make the first move. I called her and told her that her husband had suggested we meet, that he was concerned about the “open marriage” deal….she agreed to meet with me so that we could chat.
We met at quiet pub where I knew we could carry on a conversation without being interrupted.
“So, what’s going on? Bill tells me that you lost interest in swinging but want to see other people separately?”.
“Ah, is that what he told you?”.
“Yes, indeed”, I replied watching the look of amusement that all of a sudden came over her face.
“It isn’t quite that simple, you see, it isn’t that I have a problem with swinging per se, Bill always got something out of it, and so did I at times….but very few times…”.
I knew that they had been swinging for the last five years or so, actually I had met them early in their swinging lifestyle and they always seemed to enjoy their swinging activities so I wondered why this sudden change of heart.
“Let me tell you what swinging means to me as a woman”, she said. “ I like to dress sexy, even slutty, I like the feeling that I’m attractive and desired…I enjoy the attention I get, the flirting, the dancing, the seduction….oh yes, I need to be seduced, I need to have that emotional connection that comes from being seduced and seducing the other person, feeling that there is more to the interaction than just plain sex….
That somehow the connection is deeper even if it’s just a temporal thing…”.
“So, you want to feel desired and be seduced, how about the sex?”.
With a smile she replied “You’re so “male” in your attitude….it isn’t just all about the sex”. The look of puzzlement must have made look somewhat silly because she grabbed my arm and squeezed it gently.
“ Let me tell you how it goes for me. Sex is very important, but especially good, passionate sex. Bill and I have a good sex life but sometimes the passion is missing for varied reasons; time, kids, work, stress…albeit our sex life is anchored in a deep love for each other sometimes it becomes somewhat mechanical. At the beginning, swinging was a diversion from the “same old, same old” of our everyday lives, a chance to meet new and exciting people. I had expectations that through swinging I would find partners that would put back the passion so important to sex for me. I was quite sure that I could bring back my passionate experiences back to my sexual relationship with Bill. Right from the beginning I was looking for the “quality” of the passionate encounters, and not the quantity. Perhaps I was trying to recreate the feeling I had in high school when I went out on a date for the first time…it was all about the process of the date, sex may happen but it wasn’t guaranteed, although I’m sure the guys all expected…”.
At this point she giggled and covered her mouth with her hand as thought trying to conceal the secret she just let out.
“What I found in swinging was quite different from what I expected. Since I’m not Bi I don’t look at swinging as an opportunity to have sex with other women: I like men….also, when we first started to go to ‘socials”, I enjoyed the dancing, the flirting, what I call the seduction game…but it soon became apparent to me that not that many men are into the “seduction” process, rather, they’re more concern with the “fuck”…often men would chit-chat and quickly they would start to touch in a intimate way, grabbing for the prize as it were without bothering with much else…I often would go along only because Bill was much into their wives or partners…but my sexual experience was, for the most part…ummmm… uninteresting and not exciting. I guess the “straw that broke the camel’s back” was an experience I had at the resort we visited recently. On the day we arrived, and after unpacking, we joined a group of people in the hot-tub by the pool; I went into the water and no sooner did I put my head back attempted to relax from the long trip, when I felt a hand come up my thigh and cup my pussy….when I opened my eyes there was this gentleman smiling at me while his fingers had found their way into my pussy…and he said ”Hi, I’m Bob…and you’re a very hot woman…” I pushed my body away and smiled politely and told him I was rather tired and only interested in relaxing for now, but he was insistent, suggesting that we should retire to his room where he could massage my back and really help me relax. I told him I wasn’t interested and retired to our room. Now, you know you’ll say that not all men are that “aggressive”, that this may have been an exception more than the rule, but I would disagree with you. Most of the men I have met through swinging aren’t interested in the seduction, as though they don’t want to “work” for the sex but expect it as a matter of course. Many men just sit and watch the women play and join in at the end of the “female games”. Others sit around and do nothing until the action starts and they join in…and though you are now expected to “perform” as they “perform”….Finally, I’m fed up with the whole swinging thing…I would still like to enjoy a sexual encounter with a man f my choosing that doesn’t take me or the situation for granted, that is willing to dine me, take me dancing, seduce me, someone I can have passionate sex with…and then go home to Bill and tell him all about…do you think I’m crazy?”.
“Nope, I think you have a very valid point with respect to the lacking of “seduction” in the protocol of many men in the swinging lifestyle….maybe we do expect the “fuck”, after all that is why everyone is into swinging, isn’t it? We meet, we greet, we fuck…..best way to prevent the emotional connection and the possibility of hurt feelings….or worse, the budding of a “relationship…”.
“So, its’ the fear of the emotional connection that prevents men from becoming the seducers?. That’s a poor excuse if you ask me…or do men think that seduction will lead to “love”? Ridiculous….to me seduction is about the lust, and I always thought that swinging was about lust….”
“Maybe, swingers are becoming complacent….I know I have witnessed situations very much like the ones you have described….almost as if the lust is ‘forced” or ‘expected”…” I replied. “But understanding that swingers aren’t an homogenous group and that swinging can take many forms, perhaps you have just been hanging out with the ‘wrong” crowds…”.
“Really” she retorted, “How about when you meet another couple on a first date? Do you know how much pressure is on the woman to carry through from the “meet” to the sex? Yes, at times there’s instant chemistry, but that is the exception more than the rule…and what if your partner and the other person’s partner hit it off and you don’t? The want…? There are always the excuses and the quick exits but why go through all of that? Nah! I’m fed up…”.
“Well, let me know what you guys decided and how you propose to go about your “open marriage”. I think there could be more pitfalls in that type of scenario but….it’s your life, your decision. I’m always available for a chat if you need to…”.
Now, it has been months since my conversation with Bill and his wife. Not sure how they’re doing, but at least I heard no news, which perhaps means there are no “bad” news. I see Bill three to four times a week at the health club, we chat, joke, but he hasn’t brought up the subject.
Meanwhile I have spoken with several women in the lifestyle about this issue since I was curious if there were other women that felt that there was a lack of “seduction” in swinging. Unfortunately, I have to say that I heard the same story several times from most of the women I spoke with.
I have just now started to research women’s expectations of swinging and I would welcome your commentary, suggestions, stories, and questions.
Are we, men, really missing the boat when it comes to women, swinging, and seduction?
Size Does Matter
A Review of the 2010 Naughty in N’awlins Swingers Convention.
by DrZiggy
So, there I was finalizing my preparations for my trip to the “Big Easy” where I was to present results of one of my studies on swinging at a scientific conference, when a friend of mine asked me if I was also attending the Swingers’ Convention taking place at the same time in New Orleans. I had no idea there was a swingers’ convention the same week of my conference, so I decided to find out more about the event. I contacted Bob Hannaford from French Connection Events, the convention organizers, and Bob invited me stop by and have a look while I was in town.
I have been to many swingers’ conventions all over the world, sometimes as an invited speaker, sometimes with my wife as a participant. Some of these conventions were organized by the Lifestyles Organization (an organization now defunct from what I’m told) and others were organized by online swingers’ clubs, on- and off-premise clubs, social swingers clubs, etc. My evaluations of such events haven’t always been positive, but I was in for a pleasant surprise in New Orleans.
Bob Hannaford and his partner, Tess, received me cordially and they afforded me complete access to all of the events of the convention. The event itself was hosted at the Astor Crowne Plaza Hotel on Canal Street and Bourbon Street. The hotel was, to say the least, “swinger friendly.” The staff was courteous and helpful and the curious stares, often a hallmark of other hospitality facilities, weren’t noticeable. About 425 couples attended the Convention and occupied all 14 floors of the hotel reserved for the event.
One of the first things that stood out was the sheer size and scope of the events. The 7,000 sq ft floor space, dedicated to party rooms, including the two mezzanines of the hotel (the biggest play area of any previous convention according to Bob) was impressive. One of the mezzanine floors was divided into several party rooms. The Group Party Room occupied the floor space in a large meeting hall. Ceiling to floor red curtains added an atmosphere of sexual titillation, and separated several play areas. Additionally, there were several “theme”rooms on the same floor such as the Ladies Only Room, the Threesome Room, the Dark Room, - yes, there was absolutely no light entering this room, thus sexual activity was pot-luck…and extremely exciting for those with a sense of adventure – and the famous Chocolate Room where a bevy of eager ladies could satisfy their cravings for inter-racial sex.
Then there were the twice-daily social parties that took place every afternoon at several of the clubs on Bourbon Street that had been reserved for the Convention’s attendees. Finally, the daily activities culminated with the themed evening balls that took place in the 8,500 sq ft Grand Ballroom of the hotel.
The Convention started on Wednesday with a welcome reception for all attendees at the Cat’s Meow on Bourbon Street, a rather interesting and wild karaoke bar, followed by a seven-block parade that included the Treme Brass Band, Mardi Gras floats and a police escort. The parade ended at Colettes’s, a local on-premise singers’ club two blocks off Bourbon Street.
The Convention’s schedule was varied and appealing. Interest Seminars took place every morning and included topics such as Tantric Sex, Couples Massage, Whips and Floggers, as well as more educational and information-based topics such as round table discussions on the experiences and particulars of swinging, swinging research and studies on the Lifestyle, and adult travel opportunities and destinations for swingers. Surprisingly, all seminars were well attended and spurred dynamic and informative dialogue among the participants. Some of the seminars I witnessed at previous conventions had not been well attended, and at times, the topics weren’t of interest to the participants. Perhaps seminars that convey relevant information and playfulness do have a place at Lifestyle conventions.
The afternoon parties hosted at several bars on Bourbon Street would kick off a day and night of fun and games. The convention organizers included a “poker run” game that rewarded all of those who attended every single afternoon party. To start to describe in detail the sensual and sexual atmosphere of each of the parties would only leave you sorry you did not attend the convention. The host bars run the gamut from strip clubs to blues clubs, and a T-shirt party at a club appropriately called The Beach (note: t-shirts didn’t stay on for long and many varied “oral” activities were taking place with the encouragement of the club staff).
But the crown jewel of the day was the Formal Grand Ball that took place each evening. On the first evening, the theme of the ball was Lady in Red Ball. I must admit I have seldom seen so many sensual and sexy ladies in sexually fashionable red dresses of all lengths and expressive style (some dresses even concealed red hot lingerie). Several gentlemen abided by the theme and dressed in fashionable and alluring red outfits from satin red shirts to other scarlet accoutrements. All in all, everyone seemed ready for dancing and seduction.
The second evening’s theme was Pirates and Wenches Ball and what can one say about pirates and wenches? There were long period dresses, feathers and corsets, long boots and fishnet stockings, swords and eye patches, and even a parrot. Most of the participants went all out in their attempt to be authentic, and some of the outfits were not only exquisite and pompous, but exceptionally well put together and showed a level of creativity worthy of a Shakespearean play. The wenches were provocative, delicious and delectable. Personally, I would have tied a couple of them to the main mast and have my way with them. Arrrrrrgh, mate!
The Annual Mardi Gras Masquerade Ball capped the events on the third day of the convention. This was the “piece de resistance” of the Ball series. Imagine yourself amid the most rambunctious, sexiest masked-individuals who ever participated in a Mardi Gras event and you start to get the picture. The festivities included the participation of the Mardi Gras Indians famous New Orleans. From then on, well, you would have to have been there. I have been to the Carnival in Rio and I would say the Annual Mardi Gras Masquerade Ball rivaled any other sexually induced debauchery anywhere.
Overall this was a grand event, well organized with much attention paid to detail; the decorative efforts in all of the venues were, to say the least, superb. Coordination of the events, security and care for the well-being of the attendees was commendable and appreciated. In speaking with a large number of the couples in attendance I heard nothing but praise for the event and the organizers.
So, was this just a feast of sexual blissfulness and joy or were there areas for improvement? Vendors were circumspect by their absence. Except for a couple of the swingers’ travel organizations, there wasn’t a large presence. Representation from business related to the needs (and wants) of the swinging community could have been interesting. For example, the convention lacked “toy” manufactures and distributors, condom manufacturers or distributors, gels and lubricants, erotic artwork, video producers or video distributors, representation from the online swinging web sites, etc.
In conclusion, size does matter when it comes to hosting an event such as this. I think that as the needs of the swinging population changes so should the strategies for hosting events that will attract a large number of participants. Location matters and so does organization, innovation, and understanding of the Lifestyle market place. I would highly recommend an event such as this one (and no, I’m not getting paid for saying this). I’ll cherish the many friends I made at the convention, and I truly appreciated the accommodating assistance from everyone in the organizing committee.
Oh yes, I almost forgot the original purpose of my trip to New Orleans. Presentation of the results of my research on swinging was well received at my conference.
DrZiggy
The importance of sexual desire
Science Daily
The following article suggests that sexual desire is as elusive as determining what is "normal" or "abnormal" when dealing with sexual matters. Personal characteristics and inclinations play an active role in our sexual fantasies, and that sexual desire for men and women maybe related to our expectations of sexual behaviours as dictated by our cultural or religious upbringing. In short, one's desire for sex
fluctuates between one's own biology and the conditioning expectations of our society.
The researcher Juan Carlos Sierra Freire states that there are very few reliable and valid instruments in Spain to evaluate sexual desire. Due to this vacuum, the researchers have adapted the Sexual Desire Inventory by Spector, Carey and Steinberg. This inventory is a tool that enables the researcher to measure, on the one hand, the solitary sexual motivation and, on the other hand, the interest in having sexual intercourse with another person (didactic sexual desire). This fact is of a great importance because “it gives relevant information about possible disagreements in sexual desire that may appear in a couple”. Regarding figures of the Spanish Association for Sexual Health, a loss of sexual desire is one of the main factors that cause sexual dysfunction in the Spanish female population.
The power of imagination
The results of this research, published in the journals "Análisis y Modificación de Conducta" and "Psychological Reports", reveal an important relation between sexual desire and erotophilia in men. Men respond more positively towards sexual stimuli and thoughts, and they accept them more easily. The male population has an attitude that, together with sexual fantasies, heightens sexual drive. Nevertheless, the research stresses that people sometimes may have a negative reaction to some types of fantasies. In this sense, the researchers have studied such behaviour in male subjects, where sexually sadistic fantasies inhibit sexual desire.
In turn, women also share the imagination at play. The more sexual fantasies they have, the more sexual desire they experience. However, “women normally present more anxiety disorders than men” regarding transitory emotional stages such as anxiety, because anxiety strongly affects women’s sexual function.
On the basis of the sample studied, which consists of 608 subjects aged 13 to 43, researchers have found that 32% of inhibited sexual desire in men is associated with low erotophilia as well as some sexual fantasies, while a 18% of such inhibited sexual desire in women is because of the increase of anxiety and the decrease of sexual fantasies. According to Juan Carlos Sierra, these figures show that psychological factors, which have a role in sexual response, depend on gender.
Sexual education
Sexual desire leads to other stages of sexual intercourse: excitation and orgasm. Therefore, having intercourse without desire may negatively affect the stages of sexual response. “This first stage is the most complex because it is influenced by many factors”, declared the researcher. Sexual desire is explained by a three-dimensional model, which includes social, psychological, and neurophysiologic aspects. For that reason, proper neurohormonal activity with a right sexual stimulation is necessary in order to experience sexual desire. “Besides this complexity, there is no comparison model, as occurs in the men’s excitation stage, where it is possible to determine the degree of excitation depending on the erection”.
Juan Carlos Sierra points out that education on sexual stimulation and response as well as healthy attitudes towards sexuality is extremely important. In this way, sexual intercourse for those people will be more pleasurable and with less probability of having sexual dysfunctions. Furthermore, this study highlights the importance of sexual fantasies in sexuality. In fact, sexual fantasies are used in sex therapy to diminish levels of anxiety of execution or of sexual activity, provided that there are no organic anomalies (lack of hormones, endocrinal disorders, etc.). Researchers from the University of Granada [http://www.ugr.es] are currently working in this field of study.
Note: This story has been adapted from a news release issued by University of Granada.